In the morning, don't say you love me

It's been a long time since Ms R found herself in the barren wilderness of the morning after the one night stand. There are some things you don't need to do at a certain age and trying to get someone out of your bed or sneak out of their's is not a good look in a woman of experience.

Ms R appreciates that many younger (and not so young) persons are still wandering around One Night Stand Disneyland, a world of possibilities where the only obligation is to have a good time. Problem is that while the ticket offered you unlimited rides and a whole host of characters, it has no instructions.

After all chances are you didn't mean to. He/she didn't look good at 7pm but by 9pm there were no other options and by midnight they started to look very attractive indeed. So here you are. You haven't slept because someone is sleeping in your bed and it's not a cuddly bear either. You have already asked yourself how you got here. Now you want to forget. You want to return to where you were at 7pm, clean and untainted by drink and/or desperation.

The lump in the bed is sleeping soundly and all you can think of is that you want to get those sheets in the washing machine and remove last night forever. You have already made a mistake by going back to yours.

Ms R knows how it is. However she also knows how to get rid of people. On one occasion she dialled the cab number for said gentleman immediately post sex. The man in question was not terribly interesting, there would be no orgasm before the next Halley's Comet so why drag it out. When he protested that it was Sunday, Ms R told him it was her busiest day. The cab arrived before he was dressed. "Hurry" said Ms R, "Or he'll charge you for waiting. We've finished."

It is worth having cab numbers to hand, say on the fridge. Or if you don't want them to get as far as the kitchen and you plan on having a lot of one night stands, why not make a big poster with the number on it and stick it on the opposite wall. "Oh look, there's the cab number for you. Handy eh?" They can't miss it that way. Of course this assumes you go out with people who carry cab fare.

Of course if you tend to whore yourself around town and only do one night stands when drunk, this is highly impractical. Chances are though you are also the sort of person who thinks tattoos are life-enhancing. In which case why not get a tattoo on your bottom or even between your legs that simply says "Fuck me and leave now." Sounds cruel but on reflection, it's about as close to the truth as you can get.