The new Cock Com: Rex and the City

Apparently this is the summer of the male romcom. Our screens will be filled with male lead characters exposing their emotions, as they navigate their way through the perils of love, dating and relationships.

Dick Flick or Cock Com, it will still show men behaving like men, albeit with a softness that will endear them to women. But that's just playing at it. Ms R thinks we should go the whole way with this process of feminisation, beyond the metrosexual and way beyond the moisturising man.

Rex and the City will feature four ordinary men – Rex the plumber, Kevin the electrician, Dave the carpenter and Tim the guy who fixes air conditioning. They hang around together in their overalls and carry their little toolbags.

They all long for love and affection but typically they have issues that they have to resolve by meeting up every single night and most other times as well. You’re thinking they meet up in a bar or maybe a blokey steakhouse? No, that would just be playing at it. They meet regularly at chi-chi bars where they order white wine. They worry about sex a lot and whether it’s right to allow a girl to give them a blow-job. Rex is always thinking about relationships and never actually at work and we wonder how he can afford all those shifting spanners that are quite expensive. He has closets full of them.

He is going out with Mrs Big who is actually big since we are apparently in an era where fat and obesity have become fashionable and desirable. But she plays with his heart and sometimes at night, alone in his thoughtfully decorated apartment, he sits on the bed in his boxers hugging his knees dreaming of what might be.

One night he can’t take it anymore and bursts into tears. He calls Kevin who comes rushing over and sits with him all night, comforting him. They laugh and cry together and give each other a facial and we feel good for them.

There will be dream sequences where Tim stops grappling with a particularly difficult air conditioning problem, to drift off into the future where he has two gorgeous boys, both mini air conditioning engineers. He is brought down to earth abruptly when a pipe bursts and he squeals because now he is covered in water.

Dave calls Rex one night because he is totally shocked that he saw a naked woman by mistake at the gym. He is not sure if he can go to the gym again. One day Rex is lying in bed (he always is) and he sees a spider. He gets scared and so calls Mrs Big who comes over and squashes it for him. They kiss and Rex thinks it is alright again. But the next day Mrs Big gets engaged to someone else and he is devastated. The four men decide to take an holistic yoga break where they can comfort Rex and laugh, cry, laugh, cry and maybe laugh again. Tim announces he will adopt. They hug him for being so brave and cry some more.

Not surprisingly men will organise group outings to go and see Rex and The City, the Cock Com of the season, which will be advertised with the line "You'll bust your balls laughing." Women of course will not understand what they see in such nonsense. After all, nobody acts like that, do they?

Here is where I'm serialising my novel. Thank you to all who have donated, some beyond the call of duty. I appreciate it hugely. Sometime next week the first chapter will pop into your inbox. You can still sign up so go now. You won't get anymore on the website as we have reached the first threshold for writing.

Ms R