Stop Blog: www.toxicpeoplenovel.wordpress.com is where I'll be serializing novel. Credit crunch, sex, wealth, hubris and just a bit of a moral tale. More to come very soon.
Regular readers (if there are any left) will know that Ms R does not subscribe to what she terms 'unreasonable feminism' where everything bad that has happened to women is ascribed to an action by men. This point of view is not only unreasonable but incredibly stupid. Nonetheless it is convenient and in a world that needs answers for everything that happens, it's handy.
Older readers - those of you aged between say 30 and around 1000 years old - will know that porn has always been with us in some form or another. In magazines, in ancient carvings, in art - it has always existed and the human body has been used in one form or another to tantalize and shock. What is different today? Apparently there is more of it and worse still it's easy to find on the internet. The argument by many of the Unreasonables goes that this male driven activity (we'll get back to that one) is responsible for everything from the way women dress today to the way they shave their pubic area to the fact that they are not respected by men and hence loving relationships don't exist anymore. Because apparently porn has stopped men wanting loving relationships with real women. That's right, the reasons we can't find The Ones are because men are watching porn and believing everything they see. And when they get out into the real world they can't find anyone like that. All of them.
That the majority of men are driven by porn is as silly as suggesting women are not complicit in any of this. Even the porn thing is muddy territory. Those women who advertise on Readers Wives' websites, on adult 'affair' sites and on casual, no strings dating sites, what are they doing if not complying in their own objectification as a purely sexual object who wants little else - their own personal pornification? Ok maybe the odd husband is egging on his wife to have a go with another bloke but in the main, it is women who are volunteering their bodies as commodities on these sites.
And what of all those articles in the past fifteen years that suggested women could go out and fuck a different bloke every night and do so with impunity. Were they written by men? Nope. They were written by women who thought this was what equality should be; sex without love or even like. Because, they said, if men can do it, so can you. Ignore biology because that's just a male construct. And so you did and you set about creating the illusion that you were happy to be whatever they wanted you to be.And you convinced yourself that it was good to be this free, this nihilistic, this whatever. Except the important things hadn't really changed. The bit where women want to be looked after, chased after and treated as special. The bit where they want the phone to ring (so many emails on this one...). Except the men aren't doing it and it's not because of porn. Sometimes it's because they think women don't want them to. And often it's because with all this noise going on men, who need clear signposts, don't know what women want. Signals. Crossed. Badly.
And now we're all a bit stuck and from what Ms R can see, very little of it has to do with porn creating unrealistic expectations. It is far more complex and twisted than that. How do we get back to something where nakedness and sex were pure joy, a result of a connection and not simply a commodity to be traded? Because I can bet you now if you eliminated porn, the problem would still be there.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
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17 comments:
Well said,Ms. R. We men are the weaker sex. Women may not have had it all under the old system. But if feminism is suppose to be the answer for todays women. What the hell was the damm question? It probably wasn't a smart question either!
We're doomed, I think women are as complicit in their lovelessness as anyone. I think to blame porn for men not wanting relationships is stupid and facile.
The thing about porn, speaking as a woman who enjoys watching it from time to time, is that unfortunately it does tend to make one desensitised and harder to please. Back in the 70's when it was all quite sweet and soft focus, it was much difficult to source alternative stuff. I'm not sure that people that watched porn back then had different sex then they do now, but it's likely it was more vanilla. Now every kink is available for free on the web. I don't know the science behind it, but I can always tell a man who watches a lot of porn from one that doesn't. Generally, they take longer to come, and often prefer to do so in a way that lots of women find degrading. However, there is a very easy way to reverse this behaviour which is not a lifelong condition - stop watching porn. It's that simple. As to whether porn has made men less about to commit, I don't really see the correlation. It may be one piece of the puzzle, but it's a very small piece.
Suzanne, I think you make some good points but I wonder if it's just a relatively small amount of people who become desensitized really. For most people porn is an occasional distraction. It is too easy to blame the internet profusion of porn for our own emotional failings or even to admit these emotional failings. Women also don't want to commit because they want it all. It was Naomi Wolf's article )I have trouble doing links on Mac) in The Times which got me thinking. The Big F feminist default is always porn yet at the same time they would argue a woman's right to walk the street in her knickers. No wonder men are confused. Remember they are simple creatures.
Men confused? We are not just confused, we are dazed and confused. The question men have been trying to answer for eons is this, what do women want? It's a question that I think is getting harder and harder to answer. Even though none of us know the answer in the first place.
Gah! Men aren't confused. And women aren't confused!
It's the same problem as the kid in the candy store. Eventually you'll get past all the distractions and novelty, and figure out what you want. And it'll change over time too.
The people who try and label everything neatly and within certain compartments, have too much time on their hands.
Oh, and btw, good blog.
From a long time poster and first time reader (or maybe vice versa, heh!)
Hello Doctor Cocktail: what a fine name you have and thank you for kind compliments. I think there's a bit of confusion and a bit of this and that. It depends where you are in life. But it's not porn that's done it. I think its role in our ahem..downfall..is greatly exaggerated.
Oh Doctor Cocktail - the confusion - such as it exists is probably because women see it a candy store too..for a while anyway. Too much sugar:)
I like porn. But I like it because it fills a gap. For me, and I try not to speak for anyone else, I'd take a relationship with a woman over porn any day.
Having said that I can see the attraction. Instant gratification and no commitment. Some men, having been bitten, like that. I've been bitten but I still go back for more.
I don't think porn is a serious component of the relationship equation. I think that far more things, such as money, freedom and time figure much more heavily and these are the things that need to get the focus if we are going to bring people together into relationships. Those would be my issues anyway.
Famulus: I think porn has a place as long as it doesn't invade a person/couple's life to the extent that it is the The Life. I think your point about time and freedom is a big one in determining whether people have relationships. People simply can't afford to in all sorts of ways - some because they are busy working, others because they have very little money and suffer low self-esteem. A relationship used to be a normal component of life..now it seems more abnormal.
It should be normal. People can be so good together if they understand their partners needs. Time, freedom and money all take a hit in this but so f*(king what? The whole point is that it is give and take and that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
People need to get a grip and realise that they won't have to give up life to be in a relationship. If you are giving up more than you are gaining, yeah, it's not the right relationship, get out and try again. Not get out and wank to porn all day. That's just for the period before you find the right partner.
It all depends what circles you move in.
In mine relationships are still the norm rather than the exception. Maybe it is cos we is working class and we don't read the female supplements in the broadsheets so don't know we should be worrying about porn.
Personally, I think it is easy to blame porn, but then again it inarguably does influence behaviour. Look at those sex blogs I lampoon. Some of them read like a script for just about any mainstream porn scene you care to pick. And you're not telling me everyone would be shaving their minges and trying to squeeze out a bit of a gush when they orgasm if it wasn't for the smut industry. Looking at what today's confident woman about town posts on her really real sexy sex blog one could be led to believe you need a Lelo Doodah up every orifice while a plumber and some geezer off AFF double penetrates you with the kind of tackle normally seen swinging about between the legs of this year's Grand National Winner to enjoy a fully satisfying sex life. Anything else just isn't noteworthy.
It's these arsing sex bloggers who perpetuate the porno myth you know.
What was the point I was arguing again?
(Has more Pinot Grigio and stumbles off)
I have to agree with both Famulus and Luka on several points.
As a woman, and one who is not in a relationship at this point in time, I do watch porn. But porn comes in numerous formats: pro, amateur, videos, photos, even homemade videos and photos of someone you might know and have had a relationship with.
Myself, I prefer the amateur stuff. I dislike the pro stuff because it is all about men with huge cocks hammering away at some woman for hours who has a look of pained boredom on her face, all the while spouting, "oh yeah, baby, fuck me" instead of "stop, that hurts like hell!"
So it fills a gap for me, as it does for many, I am sure. And like Famulus, being in a real relationship beats watching porn and wanking alone any day. But I still get horny when I am on my own and so it does the trick.
Society is becoming so focussed on instant gratification in everything that I think some people are losing the ability to see that any relationship requires effort on each person's part to keep things healthy. So they backpedal and get out of what isn't working, without putting the effort into trying to figure out what would work for them.
I don't think porn is to blame for much these days, even though there is a plethora of it out there. It has always been there for anyone who wanted to find it.
Given the chance, though, I would much prefer to make my own 'porn' (not recorded except in my and his memory) with a partner that would share my life. Also like Famulus, I have been bitten (more times than I care to admit) but I still believe that being in a committed relationship with someone you love is still the best way to be.
And, of course, there are those couples who enjoy watching porn together while they are making love.... just adding to the spice in their relationship.
Luka: I can always count on you for a singularly refreshing and intelligent take on things, whether in jest or serious. And for that I am grateful, truly. x
Ponita: Your point about instant gratification is a key one I think. Everything is too much like hard work so much easier to find the easiest route to getting what we want. or think we want..and hence I guess porn become popular. But I think we both agree it's been out there for ages and it's not part of a male driven plot to ruin relationships which many men do desire as we do.
Ms R,
In earlier times, the British male was apparently more highly regarded.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ecxW3KPUD4
Another brilliant post & I agree completely.
In my relationships, present and past, porn has been something my partners and I have used (separately, I can't really get into the whole watching-porn-together thing) and it has never caused any problems.
Personally, I quite like masturbating to porn from time to time; it's not as good as coming with a partner, but as an occasional variation, it can be great.
The only times it has indicated a problem is when there have been other problems in the relationship, and one or both of us has used it as an addictive escape. What I'm saying is it's only ever a symptom of other problems, never the cause of them.
Oh, and you do have at least one regular long-time reader left here :)
I'm with the feminists here- don't like porn; think it degrades men and women, and I do think it influences attitudes to sex and sexuality. Wouldn't ban it though for obvious reasons. Most internet porn sites link to just-legal teenyporn which is a gateway drug for child porn IMHO. Photography steals your soul, the pre-photographic era stuff isn't quite the same, so although it has been around for 100s of years, the earlier stuff didn't have the impact that it does today. I worry about the 1000s of kids who have posted titillating pictures of themselves on Bebo or the like: once the genie is out of the digital bottle, it won't go back. Men aren't wholly to blame for porn, of course, but sure as hell men have made oodles more dosh out of the stuff than women. The big porn empires always have a man at the helm.
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