Don't Speak

Ms R emerged from the sugar and fat infested storm drain that is Christmas, and headed for the snow which is where she is now; Switzerland to be exact.

Stomachs are of course not all that is stretched to breaking point during the quaintly named holiday season: Peace, love and understanding are all pushed beyond their natural limits; relationships which were on the brink are by now on the edge of destruction. Here at Ms R's Snow Towers, friend's eldest son is fed up with his girlfriend and we have, as they say, a situation. Things are getting decidedly frosty and one of the main causes is that his girlfriend has not understood that you do not attempt to have those awkward discussions about feelings and emotions - also known as taking him to the Other Side - when his brain is taken up with other Important Things and therefore least positioned to go there.


This is usually when:

He is watching sport (a no brainer)
He is getting ready to watch sport
There is sport on TV that he is not watching or interested in but you will be interrupting him nonetheless
Before dinner
During dinner
After dinner
If he is cooking as he will not be preparing a meal; he will be making ART and this should not be disrupted
Before he goes to work
When he is at work (positively suicidal behaviour for any relationship)
When he returns from work
When he has Man Flu/Man Cold/Man Death
When he has a newspaper in his hand. NB: it does not matter that he is not reading it, the intent is enough
When he is trying to figure out Transformers, Lego or anything which involves wires and extension leads
When you are lying in bed
After you have had sex
When he is watching YouTube
On holiday


These are naturally the bare minimum; a skeleton if you wish. All other times are up for grabs. Alternatively you may decide to do what many smart women have done and simply not bother TALKING ABOUT IT. This has the advantage of keeping him guessing and casting you as a woman of mystery and allure. By NOT TALKING ABOUT IT he will forget he is in a relationship and if you do this enough times it is quite possible to take a twenty year marriage that has seen you morph into cook/mother/counsellor back to year zero where he was prepared to go out and slay dragons for the opportunity to lie next to you and hang on every single word.

As always with Ms R it is win-win.