Ms R interviews a woman of experience

Ms Robinson is always flattered to receive complimentary emails about her blog. Inevitably the correspondent will raise the question of why Ms R is not being paid for a column and Ms R will have to reply that clearly she does not possess the required degree of dullness, myopia and small mindedness necessary to work on a major news title. Readers will know that Ms R does not think much of the female media agenda, largely run by middle class women who can't see past their own front door (no doubt located in one of London's more desirable suburbs).

This is a subject that Ms R recently discussed with Suzanne Portnoy. Like Ms R, Suzanne is an opinionated blogger. She is also over 40, single and loves sex. However that's where the similarity ends. Suzanne is a sex blogger who enjoys swinging, saunas, black guys and big cocks; all things she'll openly tell you. Ms R is not partial to any of those things but even if she were she wouldn't tell you, preferring to keep the intimate details of her life to herself. Suzanne won't do attached men unless they've told their wives: Ms R is starting to see why that is a good idea.

Anyway Ms R read an interview with Suzanne in which she said she'd like to meet Ms R. A meeting was arranged at Shoreditch House. After greetings were exchanged and the necessary character assassination formalities dispatched, they got to talking. Suzanne has recently published her second book, The Not So Invisible Woman, that deals with her experiences.

"Suze I think it's interesting that when the Times interviewed you they didn't seem to be able to cope with your lifestyle. I believe the article called you a 'middle-aged sex maniac'. And a deviant. Are you?

"As far as women are concerned the media only have about two stories: one is that you are a mother married to a lawyer or banker and struggling to maintain your identity, in the face of trying to have children, career, big house etc. The other is that you're a hard bitten single career woman who has missed out on babies and is mostly regretting it. The whole agenda appears to revolve around marriage, work or babies but never, ever women's sexuality. And so someone like me comes along who, if she were 28, would be regarded as ok. But because I'm in my forties and a mother of two teenage boys, I'm apparently disgusting. That's women judging women. I grew up when all the great feminists of our day were writing and I consider myself one: that to me means having choices and now it seems it's women, as well as men, who are limiting the choices."

"Let's go back a bit to your celibate marriage and explain how you got here."

"As you say the sex had gone a long time ago and I suddenly realised I couldn't live like this. I started an affair with a guy I met on the internet and discovered all sorts of things about myself with a man in a similar situation. It was a real awakening for me and I wanted to experiment more. So then I began going to swinging clubs - I now have regular swinging partners whom I've had for years - and dating different men. The thing is I only have four days a month when the boys are not with me so it's not like I'm doing it every night. Believe it or not there is a strict structure to my life."

"But it's the fact you're doing it and talking about it can be enough to piss people off. Also there are many women (and men) who are struggling with a lack of sex and fulfillment in their own lives but don't want to acknowledge it. And so I think people like you upset and threaten both men and women at a stage of life where their greatest thrill is now the regular dinner party with friends round the corner and maybe a tiny bit of middle class drug taking."

"Absolutely and then when you say you don't want monogamy, oh my god you may as well just set yourself on fire."

"You don't want it I know and you seem genuine but I wonder if you will want it. I think I want it but then I'm not sure if I can trust it. As I get older the idea of trusting my emotions to someone is too, too scary.

"I just don't think I need it. I've had my kids and they're great boys. I have my house. And I like having different sexual partners. People ask me if I miss having a man sitting across the table to have a glass of wine with and my response is that I can have that if I want. I don't need him living in."

"One thing I'm heartily sick of is the attitude that still exists where because I'm single I know women that won't invite me to gatherings because they think I'll run off with their husbands or something which is utter rubbish. And then there's the question I get from men who seem suspicious that someone who is in good shape, reasonably cute and adores sex (and can cook) is 'on the market'. It makes me feel like a misfit and then I almost (not quite) envy these women who I think live without desire or courage. But it's much easier for society to accept them than to accept someone like me who has neither a high powered career nor marriage and children at this age. I could have. I didn't. Choice or destiny. Who knows?"

"But Ms R the funny thing is they wish they could be like that: they'd love to be able to explore their sexuality and their lives generally in a much bigger way, but they can't/won't so now they look at middle class type women who do and think " traitor/slut." They don't think that they are really not that far away from me; they think about what life could be like but then social pressures are too great so they stay in the unhappy marriage or whatever. And then they read about someone like me- who is probably an extreme in some ways - and see a 'deviant.' I'm not: I'm just living my life as honestly as I can. Addressing my lifestyle as deviant is just closing off the debate and putting sex in the 'naughty' box."


"But that's so British isn't it? Suzanne it's been a pleasure."


"Shall we have some cake?"