The party from hell

Ms R has been writing like a dervish on speed today and will do so for three more days, after which she thinks it will be time to party. However the thought has occurred that since her friendly blogfriends and readers so speedily came to her aid in her hour of need, they should at least be included in the fun.

Ms R's experience of parties indicates that there are certain people and events that need to take place at any party, before it can truly be regarded as a classic.

Specifically:

There will be a minimum of two couples arguing which will end in tears. In one case the couple will be engaged, a union that is very fragile and based on the fact that they are the last of their circle (Home Counties from matching insignificant public schools) not to be married. He's not that into her and she knows it but she wants a big wedding and this may be her last chance. Damn it, she deserves it. All this is about to go down the pan when the woman he's been screwing around with at work is invited. She had an inkling of this and finds out when...

...an all round good time boy and mate of the reluctant groom brings the seductress to the party just to piss his mate off. Good time boy has been liberally swigging champagne. He decides to have some Charlie and goes into the bedroom where she is crying and looking very puffy but then she always does. She sees him and bursts into a fresh show of tears at which point he tells her what has been going on..

...she runs out sobbing and screaming, "You bastard" and ends up in the bathroom, while her fiance stands outside and lamely says, "But I love you, honestly I do baby" which makes the sobbing even louder...

...but that wouldn't matter to the two skinny chicks with 'vacancy' written on their foreheads and a permanent look of alarm in their eyes who are clearly somewhere else and that is where they stay, huddled under the stairs..

...while in the kitchen the tart with a heart and all round good laugh is pretending that she's trying to keep her top on but of course she wants it to fall down so she can get some attention. It has but nobody's interested because they've seen it all before. Later she will end up in the hallway somewhere, allowing some drunk nobody to slip his hands under her dress while she pretends it is desire...

.....as exhibited by the loved up couple who, even after several years together, always look as if they've either had sex or are looking for somewhere to have it. They are always smiling, achingly stylish and very pleasant which makes everyone hate them. True to form, they end up in a corner kissing passionately while sharing an organically grown spliff, and then eventually say, "so sorry we have to go home to our lovely baby" and everyone wishes they would die in a car crash but it's alright because..

...somebody has just decided that it's time to put on the most ironic music and pulled out Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler but when you think about it, whoever is hosting does not think it's coolly post-modern but simply cool. Anyway almost everyone dances to it and says things like "God, how awful. Remember when we used to like it?" while secretly they're happy because the obscure, NME sanctioned indie music was getting on their tits...

.....false tits on the woman who has clamped herself insecurely to 'her man' in vice like fashion and is showing him off as if he is a prize piglet. She wears the regulation Chelsea/West London uniform of tight white jeans, vertiginous heels and a wispy top and is about as interesting a slice of processed cheese but far less versatile. At some point in the evening she points to the loved up married couple and says, "Why aren't we like that?"And he tells her not to be stupid but it's his fault since he knew she was stupid when he met her but hell his mates think she's a babe and..

Ms R would like you to add to her list. The more dysfunctional the better.

Sex bloggers, this is not an orgy. We will do that another time.