Your rules, Ok?

Ms Robinson would like it to be known she rarely has sex on the first date. Quite often, she will do so before. This has the advantage of getting that uncertainty out of the way; it prevents you wondering all through the film or dinner whether it's going to be any good or not. Some may call it sluttish; Ms R calls it an Efficient Time Solution. As a woman who has left her thirties behind, she does not believe in wasting that precious commodity.

Of course such a route is not for everyone: those who are given to analysing first encounters endlessly with large groups of girlfriends and bottles of cheap wine, should not even go there. Plenty of women have taken this path thinking they are big and ugly enough to handle it but then fallen at the first hurdle. The next day they are on the phone to everyone asking, "oh my god, should I? I mean I think he wanted to but maybe I should have waited. Do you think I've spoiled it?"

Ms R herself is not given to this kind of analysis. These days her friends are mummies who, laden down with the duties of children and husbands, have little time for post-mortems and are more likely to say, "do it for me." Otherwise they are not interested and will tell her to go away and not bother them until she has some filth to report.

As for rules about when you should and shouldn't call him/sleep with him, Ms R has never entertained such nonsense. We are after all talking about someone who met a man on a beach and had sex with him after two hours of chat. This man eventually became her husband.

Ms R believes much of it has to do with confidence. Whether you propose or accept a proposal, doing so with confidence shows you know what you are doing. It also makes you incredibly attractive and desirable, thus increasing your chances of a repeat performance. (if you want one of course). Accessorised with humour and charm, confidence will take your further than the body of a goddess. Needless to say, so will moderate expectations. Remember, until both of you decide otherwise (not just you, ok?) you're just dating. That's all.

That doesn't mean blokes won't go loco on you. As Ms R has pointed out elsewhere, you cannot second guess anybody. Remember, any person you meet has a history behind them and what you have with them is just a moment in time. At this stage you know very little about them. However, if you want to sleep with him for your own enjoyment then do it. If you do but don't want to do it tonight, then just give him the most passionate kiss you can and tell him you adore anticipation. But do it with confidence. A girl who turns down a night in the sack with "Oh, umm gosh I'd love to but I shouldn't," is not likely to win desirability points either. And if you don't want to, then don't. You are the only judge of yourself: nobody else is. Anyway if he ignores you after the first night he's not going to be much use dealing with the realities of life.

Deciding whether to contact him or not works along similar lines. If you went out, had a great time and you sensed that he enjoyed it as much as you, then it is not a bad idea to send him a note and thank him. Ms R prefers to do this by email. If you send a text he will think you expect an immediate reply (and you probably will). An email allows you to be more articulate.
After you have sent it, wait for him. You may have to wait a few days. Men generally need a bit of time to sort these things out. They have sport to watch and crosswords to do. Give him that space. There is still something to be said for a woman (or man) of mystery. So no, don't text him every day. That's not a rule. It's called not stalking.

If several days pass as happened once with Ms R, you need to make a judgement call. Mostly Ms R will not even bother if a bloke does not call back. However, in this case the man had sent her an email saying he had a brilliant evening. She knew he meant it but she also knew he was recently separated and finding his way in the world. He'd already mentioned that he felt he didn't have much to give and a lot of baggage. So she had clues. She sent him this:

"I don't want your babies, I don't want your house and I don't want your stupid baggage. But I'd like some witty conversation, some food and maybe more."

It worked and although he is too wounded to date on a regular basis, the occasional dates are good fun and he is worth knowing. If it hadn't worked, what would Ms R have lost? Not much.

The rule is there are no universal rules. Only some judgement, astute or otherwise based on your appetite for risk. Fundamentally, if you are the sort of woman that worries what it all means you need to sort out that stuff first and get a bit of perspective about what's at stake, i.e. a date. Not a bloody sheep station.*

Remember you have to speculate to accumulate. In dating as in business, there will be decisions that don't work out. That is not your personal failure but simply part of the numbers game we play every day. Because swirling around you, him/her are all sorts of random events that you can't control. And sometimes you just have to forget what everyone thinks, say "What the hell" and plunge headlong into that randomness with abandon. At the very least you can say you lived.



*Sheep stations can have boundaries the size of Belgium or even France. In Australia if something is low stakes they say "we're not playing for sheep station."