Anyway, Ms R feels they have got it all dreadfully wrong. It’s not what you eat but what other people lose. All those people going on diets, where do you think that fat goes? It's out there and it has to go somewhere. Ms R and her big sister worked this one out at least twenty years ago (this is what people did before celebrity magazines): It's called The Theory of Fat Flotation.™
Like all good theories, it is beautifully simple: when fat leaves one person it floats around looking for someone else to attach itself to. You wondered where those few pounds mysteriously came from? No it’s not all that pasta you had in Italy. It’s that bitch, Esme from the playgroup. She just went on a crash diet and didn’t bother telling you. The implications are obvious: When someone you know announces they are going on diet, tell them they look great as they are. If that doesn’t work, refuse to see them for the duration.
All those women at Weight Watchers, who become success stories, have you noticed how not long afterwards, their husbands get really, really fat? Ok maybe they’re comfort eating because they know that now she’s a slim chick, their wife will leave them but Ms R feels it is too coincidental. It is Fat Flotation™ at work.
Before you start a new job, they will ask if you have questions. Ask whether anyone is likely to be going on a diet soon. If so, request a desk in another area. Better still get a job with people who like to eat. Maybe in a bakery. No-one who works in a bakery goes on a diet.
Jail inmates are highly at risk. As part of their human rights they should be informed when fellow prisoners are about to embark on fitness regimes. They may then request to be moved to safe cells so that the fat cells don’t get them.
Yo-yo dieting friends are worst of all because you never know when they are on a diet. You know the one: last week she was on a diet, this week she’s not. You cannot afford to live with this sort of uncertainty. She will fuck with your head. If you have friends like these, dump them. Get new ones. Fat, happy ones. It’s easier than having to lose weight.
THE real danger time is of course New Year. This is when everyone decides to start a new regime, which will naturally include losing weight. Men are particularly at risk here for this is the time when their best mate will decide to give up beer. Even he only does so for a month that's a shitload of calories that will float on to you. Your best bet is to sleep with his wife/girlfriend in December so that you have an argument and he never speaks to you again. It ‘s better than knowing those fat cells are hovering over you.
27 comments:
Haha! Ms Robinson's writing reminds me of Jungle Jane. But what happened to the post about Investment Bankers? It's not the first one that's disappeared. Is Ms Robinson's blog on a diet?
Maybe Jungle Jane has gone a bit Ms Robinson?
I am saving that one for now. I have other things to post before I go on holiday.
Ha! I love this post so very much! I am one of those AWFUL people who are on a diet one week and then not the next week. Same with quitting smoking. And i expect all my mates to not only know whether i am dieting/smoking or not but to adjust their behaviour to mine.
I am a huge fan of Ms Robinson's writing - i could only dream of emulating her prose.
Of fuck Jane, you are far more wide ranging than me. I just deal with woman/man stuff. But thank you.
Ayscoughe~Hussey is having to post on the computer at the library after police swooped and confiscated his computer. Mr. Ayscoughe~Hussey's lawyer read a simple statement which explained that Mr. Ayscoughe~Hussey has been accused of having downloaded hundreds of photographs of fat women from illegal internet sites. In addition Mr. Ayscoughe~Hussey is believed to have invited a fat woman to his hotel room during a recent visit to London. Mr. Ayscoughe~Hussey denies having had sexual relations with fat women. The fat woman in question, who has to remain nameless for legal reasons is believed to have slept with men before.
I am considering suing.
Ha! now i understand why that button popped on my jeans yesterday ... and the bitch responsible. I'll invite her to tea with scones and cream and extract my revenge.
I was researching a piece on obesity.
Finlay: This kind of telling tales may be appreciated by some bloggers but Ms R will not hear of it. I am inclined to believe Mr Hussey when he says he was researching obesity. Ok maybe the fat women didn't need to be naked, maybe they didn't need to be close to animals and maybe the subject didn't necessarily require women but all things considered I feel that we should wait until the court case.
Hussey: Sue the bastard
Me: It is always someone else who is responsible. This notion of willpower is total rubbish. I think you should kill her with calories.
Oh God, my neighbor told me this morning she had lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers. Now I need to move.
Agghhh, I just planted roses, but fuck them.
It really is rather obvious. It has to go somewhere. I mean, stuff doesn't just disappear, right? Other than socks. And money. And men you like too much. Right?
Ms R - Are you trying to make me feel guilty when I sweat all of those pounds off over there? I'll do my best to pass them on to an under nourished local I promise. That's almost humanitarian aid in my book.
AB: Stuff the roses, you know you have to sell the house. Do it today.
La Fille: I know, all that money wasted on diets and really the answer was staring us in the face. I myself am wondering who to blame for the extra couple of pounds on my tummy.
Socks,money,men you like AND emails. Apparently a fair number of them get dropped and lost. No one knows where they go.
Midnight: Losing weight in emerging countries is counted as aid.Good man.
Two things I'd like to know here:
1. Why some posh women's magazine has not hired Ms R. to provide her snarky social commentary in the form of a monthly column,
and,
2. In keeping with this flotation theory, does that mean if I stand too close to a woman who is about to lose her Christian Louboutin Very Prive Patent Pumps, will they somehow end up on MY feet?
Moi: Well thank you Moi and I have thought of it and will be working on getting a column but I fear that in Britain they like their columns more homely and eccentric.
As for the Louboutins - which I too covet by the way - I am liking the way your mind works. And maybe the YSL Muse Bag while we are at it.
Oh my, what delightful wit is here! I just found you...Love what I see. I want more...And I invite you to my own house as well.
I see the Daily M. is no less into the idea of publishing shite as when I was in the UK. And I doubt it'll metamorphose into anything higher up the food chain before I come back.
I went to India a few years back and lost two stone. Granted, I was under what's healthy for me, but it was amazing how many cakes suddenly had my 'name' on them. Or so I was told!
PS Moi - I agree that Mr R should have her own column, but I fear we'd have to create the magazine ourselves given the schlock they peddle in newsagents.
Ronjazz: Thank you for the compliment. It's interesting especially when I was told recently that there are women especially who find my blog too umm 'snarky'. Maybe I should move to New York?
Emsk: How nice that you will come back one day.You were one of my first readers. I actually put on weight in India - the food was too yummy. At present I have just realised that my jeans have tightened a bit too much over the past few weeks and am looking for someone to blame. But I can only blame the British so-called summer which has led me to lie down, read and eat.
The idea of a column has occurred to me but sadly, witty writing doesn't count for much unless you know editors who seem to commission their friends. I think it may have to be a men's mag too.
MsR, Im loving this. You are indeed a woman after my own heart, altho you need to know that true anorexia is actually half a grapefruit per day... period. Little Sis and I once expounded the exact same theory, albeit not with the same catchy title. There was a half a stone that seemed to spend its whole time wandering between our two homes. It never occurred to me that it was actually our own fault and that my anorexia contributed to her weight gain and her attempts to lose it coincided with my healthier phases.
Excellent observations which really do deserve their own column.
Welcome Having My Cake; a woman whose taste in underwear parallels my own. I was rather skinny then and had the good luck never to put weight on until two or so years ago. Since then I have added about half a pound ever few months so now there is two kilos that belongs to someone else and makes my jeans tight. I will admit I have had mild body dysmorphia in the past; I wonder if it's the fact that I still feel 30 so can't understand why I am not the skinny chick I was then.
Well you know my feelings on the world of journalism. Publishing is similar too: I have discovered that apparently good writing doesn't matter; it's all marketing.
I have read your comments and I am pleased to welcome you as one of the small but hardy crew of rather intelligent readers who come and visit. In a way the fact that my readership are bright people is gratifying in itself.
*Looks around - does she mean me? Must be looking at Middy* Intelligent and bright? Not normally words used in the same sentence as Cake but much appreciated :)
Re the weight gain. Im sure you've done this already but to be on the safe side I would advise that you start walking every day to keep your metabolism going and get your thyroid tested, just to be sure it isnt a medical thing.
You've made me realise that somewhere on the roof of the world there must be a Blind Justice figure, with her scales, apportioning kilos of fatty jetsam so that humanity stays in balance. She'd be perfectly formed herself, of course, but unable to see it.
Another brilliant survey from the Daily Mail ;) It's pretty obvious why fat people have fat friends, because you can all stuff your faces together and not feel guilty. Ever tried to eat a normal amount at a fat person's house where there are ten bowls of crisps and chocolate peanuts even before you've got to the starter of deep fried chicken legs etc? Although that said, it is so much worse when you go to some skinny person's house and you eat the tiny meal and have to rush to the nearest kebab house afterwards to quell your hunger.
Dear Ms Robinson,
How did I miss you before this?? I've just followed you over from Rilly Super's place, have read about four of your posts, and feel sure we're going to get along. Very entertaining!
And I'm adding you to my blogroll.
Of course when you think of dieting and the like you just listen to Descendents - 'I like food'. In terms of your theory, the listener acts like a magnet, sucking up the pounds as they go.
I really think you are on to something here. I have mysteriously gained 3kgs just at the time my boss announces that he has lost 5. Surely I shouldn't have to take this lying down. Something must be done to stop Fat Flotation™
Just catching up! Perhaps you'd be interested to know that you and your sister rediscovered something Socrates knew 2000 years ago...
"The envious person grows lean with the fatness of their neighbour."
http://www.philosophyparadise.com/quotes/socrates.html
So the missing ingredient is envy - with a fistful of that, you'll be safe in any company.
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