News of Betty arrives and Ms R is afraid we may be lurching from drama to crisis. When we last left her she was almost certainly committing fraud by logging into Nick's email without his knowledge. It appears that Betty had been encouraged in this by her friend Amy, a woman who can benevolently be described as having presence and, otherwise, as one scary motherfucker.
Unimpressed by Ms R's reluctance to label Nick 'a cheating bastard,' Betty had gravitated towards the much more substantial form of Amy and joined her on a recent Roman expedition. There they were introduced by a friend of Amy's to one Fabio. Not THAT Fabio but a Fabio nonetheless. One balmy Roman night, after one too many Grappas it seems that Fabio found his Italian stallion self and, faced with the choice, opted for the Betty fuck solution. Amy stormed off in a huff leaving Betty to blow Fabio to his heart's content.
Fabio had found himself a no obligation foreign lay, whom he would be unlikely to run into the Via Condotti when he had some velvet-eyed Paola on his arm. Not according to Betty who now appears to think that Fabio is her ticket out of the dumpee’s transit lounge.
"He's Italian, like me," she told Ms R.
"You're not Italian, you're American from
"But my Dad is half Italian, so that makes me pretty much Italian. Like Fabio. We have so much in common. We are SO similar."
Betty then informed Ms R that she was thinking how to take the 'relationship' to its next stage.
Why do women do this? (Ms R has only met one man who did). Why do they project their vision of a relationship on something that doesn't actually exist? It happens all the time. Instead of living the moment as it happens they meet a bloke and immediately make a movie of their life with the requisite chick lit happy ending. Which is exactly where Betty was now. Moreover she was conveniently ignoring the following:
- Fabio is a foreign correspondent who is used to the nomadic lifestyle
- He has never married, nor lived with anyone
- He is very attractive and not likely to be desperate for female company
- He is the only boy in an Italian family (which means there is a lot of love from Mama)
- His grandparents left him two houses; he pretty much has the lifestyle he wants
Hands up if you think this man is relationship material? Thought not.
"Betty aren't you reading a bit too much into a heady night in
"We really connected, Ms R. Anyway he said he'll see me when he comes over for work."
Betty had conveniently overlooked that he wasn't planning a trip to see her: he would see her if the trip was planned.
As Ms R's 23 year old Russian leg waxing girl told her, "You know, I am never, never go to man first. If he not chase you, even little bit, you never know if really he want you or you just know, like easy. For rest of life you are wondering."
"Absolutely,” said Ms R, contemplating her own 'like easyness' and wondering how her life might have been had the Iron Curtain fallen sooner.
28 comments:
Okay, if that right there isn't a recipe for major disaster, I don't know what is. Could be fun to watch for us, your baited-breathed readers. Not so much for you, if you have to pick up the pieces. Or send her to your Russian leg waxer for some quick but pricey education.
Gosh, yes. The Russian leg waxer has it figured out. Personally, I can't see the point in trying to project ahead in a relationship, because all you ever have to work with is what is happening in any given moment. That's it. Live with it.
Betty, Betty, Betty...we all know someone just like her, don't we? Talk about a train wreck - you can't do anything to stop it, and likely no one else can either.
All: Compassionate as I am, I can't stand nonsense and this to me is just pure nonsense. My Russian girl is so sound, she's scary. But she's right. And I just keep seeing women projecting their versions of relationships on to the real one, so they conveniently ignore the latter. Betty's irrational (and stubborn) self takes over and there's nothing you can do. Luckily she has other friends; she also knows how I feel about such attitudes.
I've heard that some men will actually tell a woman that they like her! Unfortunately, they may be lying to get into her knickers. What a minefield human courtship is!
Betty appears to be a tad optimistic in her assessment of Fabio's intentions. This is most definitely a female thing and is probably evolutionary.
Women have become very adept at seeing what they want to see, particularly when it involves a hunky guy. I believe I am having the same problem with K. She recognises the signs and symptoms, but because she doesn't like the diagnosis, her assessment (in her head) is a clean bill of health.
I have known - do know - male versions of Betty, adept at projecting their own version of reality onto the actuality of the situation. There's absolutely nothing you can do except get the wine chilled in readiness and stock up on tissues.
I'm wondering if Luka has thought through the male need for tissues?
lucky betty has friends to show her the way Mrs R non? Or is she a bit stubborn too?
Oh, poor Betty. Perhaps an intervention should be planned?
Oh, blessed Betty! Why didn't you just have a good time and leave it at that? Rome is full of fit Tally boys! Get on any Ryan Air from Stanstead and plump yourself down next to one with a casual, 'Sono preste, queste sedie?'
Does Betty ever stop to question the vibes she's sending out when she meets a prospective? Guys pick up on these things too. Yes, it can happen like this sometimes, but no one needs to feel crept up on.
Ms R, I have met the rarely spotted male rom-com film-maker three times in recent memory. On all occasions they were interested in the same woman - and fortunately not me! Although her feeling was mutual in one case (she married him, so yes, attraction can match and be instant, but unusual!), the other two were embarrassment in male form. In both cases they were happily 'living' with E. in a wee thatched cottage in the future - as in distant future, so distant it would never happen.
Although it has to be said that E. wasn't observant to these things hatching, she nonetheless did nothing to encourage them, apart from give one a job and be friendly to the other. Whatever I haven't got that E.'s got, I sure am glad!
Glad you seem to be feeling more pucker.
Would it not be the wisest thing to just leave her to make her own mistakes? I've been at both ends of such situations and, realistically, your friends will never trust a word you say. Your Russian Waxer may be wise beyond her years, but I suspect that's because her experiences were a bit too accelerated than others', or perhaps she's exposed to a lot of wisdom making while smoothing women's legs.
Since you ask, Ms R: I'm from the West Bank, yes, but I now live in the more materially comfortable and intellectually stagnating Gulf. Thanks for reminding me to update my profile!
GB: How do Gorillas go about it? Maybe we can learn something?
Midnight: I feel that K is a less desperate version of Betty but I think you are right.
Luka, Peach and AB: you know as a woman of experience I have learned that people like Betty want me to reinforce them and if I don't we have an argument. She knows I am right but she doesn't want to know. I fear we will fall out soon: we are so very different.
FreddY: this is not a moment for smut please.
Emsk: You are brave admitting it but at least you know it. You know I think these chick lit books trade on this stuff, as do Richard Curtis rom coms. Ms R has discovered that in fact the mass market does not like books with 'real' endings. Truly, she approached a publisher.
Abed: How nice to see you again. and glad you are safe.I do not think I cannot protect this girl from herself.
The Russian and Polish girls I find are mature beyond their years. And they often get their man. (I am not talking about Russian whores which is different.)
Not the time for smut?
How can that be?
Oh deary me. I wonder if Betty is going to be crushed when he doesn't morph into mr perfect or if she will just quietly hate him?
Fabio sounds perfect for rampant lust. seems almost a crime to want to marry him...
JJ: I have seen pictures of Fabio and he is indeed dirty; has that foreign correspondent's lean, hungry look.
Toothache Ms. R! That has kept me preoccupied. It was my birthday not so very long ago, and a tooth cracked on the surprise stone in the middle of a date.
Talking of projecting one desires onto another... Last year a lady of my brief acquaintance began an out & out full blown affair with me, without my knowledge. Her passion was enough for the both of us.
Her husband, again a man of my brief acquaintance, began to balefully glare at me, which I found most puzzling.
Indeed I only found out about it when her daughter refused to serve me at my local pub (she was the barmaid) because I was the "Bastard who was shagging her mother." And you know how mud sticks...
Actually the russian leg waxing girl is not quite right. Sometimes men just enjoy the thrill of the chase and once they 'have you' they then dump you. I have found there are no real rules to the game of love. The reason that any relationship or dalliance does not work longterm is that one party does not like the other enough, it's that simple. You can play all those stupid games from 'the Rules' until the cows come home, it won't make him fall in love with you. I know you know that...I'm just saying.
Also, about women projecting twenty year happy ever after scenarios on men after they have had one grappa fuelled bonk....I have done this so many times even though i know it is nuts. I reckon you need to write a book giving women this kind of common sense advice, you would save so many women so many disappointments!
The exact same thing happened to my father with the tailors Turnbull & Asser.
Mr a-hussy: I would not have taken you for a home wrecker: not that I myself have not traversed into that territory, however, I tend to operate on a global rather than local leve.
EmmaK: I think we should do the book really; I agree with you about the chase - often they are hunting and that is all. I myself have done the same (hangs her head in guilty fashion.) I think one of the reasons why a woman will decide that she is going to make babies with a man she has gone out with once is that women do tend to get attached after having sex. But I think men do too. But Betty is just plain dreaming regardless.
a-hussey: What they dumped him or he dumped them?
Oh dear! Things do not sound good for Betty!! Hope you are feeling much better though Ms R.
I agree wholeheartedly with Emma K. The Rules is a pile of retro rubbish and a 'Betty' of my acquaintance - now thankfully consigned to history - was always quoting useless snippets she'd picked up from it, and it still didn't get her any happiness. A man or a woman likes you - simple as that. And when they do they'll follow it up. As for the Russian lady, for her personal self she's probably going about it the right way and is indeed wise. It all depends on the guys you meet, I guess.
I'm interested in what you think about women who do the chasing, Ms R. My personal feeling is why not, as long as you're prepared to back off if he or she's not interested and do it with dignity, of course. There still seems to be a bit of a glass ceiling here. What are your thoughts?
A flash of insight occurred as I read MsR and EmmaK here.
This is not a complete theory, do feel free to expand upon it, or to demolish it.
Women of child-bearing age attach themselves because of some hormonal issues, there is no cure other than therapy.
Men, and women who are not of child-bearing age, have these difficulties when they form attachments which are imbalanced.
If one of the two is getting the best sex of their life, and the other is thinking hmmmm that ceiling needs painting....
Or some other form of imbalance like the perceptions of beauty or intellectual closeness may occur.
It's early, I may just be rambling,
forgive me
I have historically been as active a pursuer as have been pursued but I do think there is some truth to the theory that if he's not approaching you actively, he's probably not that into you.
Freddy ... "Women of child-bearing age attach themselves because of some hormonal issues, there is no cure other than therapy"
lol. any particular therapy? or do i merely have to grow out of it?!!
Emsk: I will comment on this in my next major post.
Me: you are absolutely right. I feel Freddy sometimes takes levity a bit too far. Sure biology is involved on all parts but therapy? Freddy is talking nonsense.
Looking back there should perhaps have been a 'may' inserted in the contentious phrase. Or two of them.
Talking nonsense? Not at all. Nor was I being frivolous. My error was perhaps to take brevity too far and not to expand sufficiently on the first part of my theory because it was actually the second part that I felt was worth debate.
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